Browse Tag Monologue
Whole Foods Apologies

Whole Foods Apologies

FOLKS, I LOVE SHOPPING AT WHOLE FOODS. BECAUSE I LOVE ORGANIC PRODUCE AND I CANNOT STAND HAVING MONEY. (LAUGHTER) SO IT REALLY BE BUMMING ME OUT TO SEE WHOLE FOODS GETTING INTO A WHOLE LOT OF ORGANIC, NATURAL, GLUTEN-FREE TROUBLE. THEY WERE CAUGHT ROUTINELY OVERSTATING THE WEIGHT OF ITS PACKAGED PRODUCTS. (AUDIENCE REACTS) A LOT […]

Read more
MASH-UP: Obama vs. Trump at National Prayer Breakfast

MASH-UP: Obama vs. Trump at National Prayer Breakfast

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A NON-PARTISAN EVENT. IT GOES BACK TO 1953. AND EVERY PRESIDENT SINCE DWIGHT EISENHOWER HAS BEEN TO THE PRAYER BREAKFAST, INCLUDING PRESIDENT OBAMA, TO WHOM TRUMP LOVES TO COMPARE HIMSELF. SO, FOR COMPARISON SAKE, WE DID THAT, TOO. AND THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE AT A PRAYER BREAKFAST […]

Read more
Ellen Shares the Results of Her Blood Type Diet

Ellen Shares the Results of Her Blood Type Diet

– Happy New Year, everybody. [APPLAUSE] You’re the seri– and I’m going to say this seri– you’re the best audience we’ve had all year. [APPLAUSE] Isn’t that funny? It’s 2019. It’s exciting to start a new year. It’s full of possibilities. If you– look to your right, everybody. Look to your right. Now, look to […]

Read more
Stephen’s Breakfast Prophecies Are Coming True

Stephen’s Breakfast Prophecies Are Coming True

HERE’S THE THING.I HAVE HAVE BEEN DOING THESE SHOWS FOR EIGHT WEEKS, HAVE IBEEN GIVING IT MY ALL T SAY LABOR OF LOVE BUT I DO IT FORYOU.BUT I HAVE JUST LEARNED SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME WONDERIF YOU ARE LISTENING.BECAUSE A FEW WEEKS AGO I GAVE A VERY CLEAR WARNING ABOUT WHATWOULD HAPPEN NOW THAT […]

Read more
Trump’s Border Wall, Healthy Food Baby Names – Monologue

Trump’s Border Wall, Healthy Food Baby Names – Monologue

-Let’s get to the news. President Trump spokeat a Hanukkah reception today at the White House.Well, technically, he made a wish and blew out the candles.[ Laughter ][ Laughter continues ]According to The Daily Beast,President Trump dismissed the economic impactof increasing the national debt, saying that he, quote,“Won’t be here when it becomes a problem.”[ […]

Read more